How to Apologize Well: The Anatomy of an Apology

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash‍

One of the most feared topics of discussion in therapy is relational conflict. Today’s blog is informed by conversations in the therapy cave and after years of my own personal journey towards asserting myself and confronting conflict, too. Lo and behold, the words settled during a Mars-Pluto conjunction, lol.

This is written for anyone curious about how to receive feedback and apologize well. Hint: It takes taming an unhealthy ego and practicing the art of humility. Keep in mind that once you’re sitting in front of someone who’s about to explain to you how you’ve hurt them, they’ve most likely worked through quite a lot of feelings and words to get there. Confrontation takes tremendous energy and courage to speak up and say “Hey, you hurt me.” So much so that people often avoid it altogether.

Fear of Confrontation

We can’t talk about apologies before discussing confrontations. The literal act of a confrontation precedes an apology. Unfortunately, it’s common for people to have negative experiences with confrontation. Think: deflection, denial, gaslighting, and inconsideration. So with good reason, people become conflict/confrontation avoidant. They fear the worst, because the worst has happened enough times to signal to the brain, “Don’t do this. This isn’t safe.” However, fear of confrontation isn’t just rooted in past negative experiences, but in the reality of the current relationship. How have the pillars of trust and safety been intentionally built? Not assumed, but created and embodied. What are the indicators that confrontation will be met with safety and accountability?

When confronting a person, I like to request that if they have an issue they’d like to bring up with me that they schedule a different time to discuss it in order to offer the time and space to center my feelings and needs. This avoids deflection and further hurt. This goes back to learning the labor it takes to confront and not hijacking that effort. Tip: If you have something to say, don’t wait until someone brings up an issue to discuss it.

When receiving feedback, I’d encourage the receiver to consider the ways they would want to be received if they were voicing a concern. How would you like someone to respond when you confront them about hurting you? With defensiveness? Care? Respect? Deflection? Denial? Blame? Kindness? Understanding? Let your own desires be your guiding light, and embody them.

Reflection: Evaluating Your Relationship with Confrontation

1. What did you learn about conflict growing up?

2. How do you feel about confrontation?

3. What have been your experiences when confronting someone? 

4. How have you received confrontation and feedback? 

5. What are your urges during a confrontation?

6. Ideally, how would you like to respond to confrontation?

7. If there’s a gap between where you are and want to be, what steps can you take to close the gap? 

How to Apologize

“The Anatomy of an Apology” was developed by Rania El Mugammar, a Sudanese artist, abolitionist, community organizer, and social justice educator based in Toronto. 

Below are the steps towards a genuine and kind apology:

1. Acknowledgement: bear witness

2. Emotional Uptake: create space for the person’s feelings without policing on the appropriateness, validity, duration and intensity of their emotional response

3. Center the Hurt: it’s not about your feelings, but the feelings and needs of the person you’ve hurt; the person shouldn’t need to support you nor should they have to coach you

4. Accountability and Changed Behavior: take ownership of your actions, name it, understand it, and change the behavior, pattern, thoughts, or words; do not provide irrelevant context or justification to minimize the impact of your actions

5. Divest from Forgiveness: invest in the labor it takes to reconcile, nurture the person and relationship 

In other words: 

Listen with curiosity, humility, and decenter yourself.

1. I’m sorry for hurting you

2. This is my understanding of how I hurt you

3. You matter to me and I want to make this better

4. I will consider your needs in XYZ ways

5. Thank you for bringing this up

Apologizing doesn’t need to be difficult, but it can be because humans are complex and subconscious parts come out of hiding when the unhealthy ego is wounded. The unhealthy ego wants to believe it’s sovereign, that it can do no wrong. This is partly what makes the mere act of confrontation uncomfortable and challenging, the expectation (and sometimes reality) of defensiveness, insecurity, arrogance, denial, and further hurt.

There will be confrontations that happen that don’t end in repair and nurture. However, apologies and genuine remorse can still be offered even if the relationship is beyond resolve. Healthy endings can happen when there’s mutual care, respect, and healthier egos present. 

“The key is to have an ego that is strong but not resistant. That is to say, an ego that is strong enough to hold its own. But decisive strength is the capacity to respect the other and not try to oppress it or repress it. That is what imperiled people do.”

— James Hollis

Recognizing a Non-Apology

A non-apology is exactly what it sounds like. It’s any response that doesn’t center the person who was hurt. A non-apology is an unhealthy expression of ego because it avoids acceptance and accountability. Furthermore, when the person causing hurt claims the person hurt has harmed them, this is just a psychological trick to shift blame. For the sake of developing healthier relationships, it’s important to recognize psychological manipulation, because it can be subtle and incredibly psychologically and spiritually harmful. To protect the integrity of a relationship, we must avoid non-apologies.

Characteristics of a Non-Apology:

• Not saying I’m sorry

• Becoming defensive

• Denying the issue

• Not seeking clarity about the issue

• Not expressing curiosity or genuine concern

• Judging the person hurt for bringing the issue up

• Centering your feelings

• Providing support that wasn’t asked of you

• Weaponizing past support you’ve provided

In other words:

• I’m sorry but you’ve hurt me too

• I’m sorry you feel that way

• I’ve cared for you in XYZ ways

• Any sentence with “if” or “but”

Closing Thoughts

I’ve worked with many clients who ultimately have to confront the need to evaluate how much work it should truly take to make a relationship work. A common question is — Should it be this hard? My opinion is that relationships should not be that hard. Relationships take effort—yes—and when structures of safety and trust are established, relationships are not difficult or exhausting. Relationships can be kind, consistent, truthful, and safe. But it won’t happen magically. Good intentions aren’t sufficient. We must learn to proactively and collaboratively build the structures within our relationships to confront hurt and rupture, because it will happen, and what will we do about it?

May your intimate relationships provide you with ease, a place of rest.

And may they provide you with the truth, for better or worse.